This is going to be kind of a serious post, and I apologize. But this is what’s going on in my life right now…In one of my last posts, I mentioned that I needed to give my intense workouts a break. There was a pretty big – and exciting – reason for that that I hadn’t shared yet, but now I won’t get to share it at all. And I had already been thinking about how I was going to share with everyone that I was pregnant. I was going to take a picture with a doll in a jogging stroller and say that this was going to be me at this time next year! All that excitement turned into devastation on Friday.
I won’t go into details, but I ended up being one of those paranoid people – aka Philco – and requested an ultrasound on Friday because I just felt that something “wasn’t right.” We were having our first appointment this Tuesday to have the ultrasound and find out how far along I was, but I felt I couldn’t wait 4 more days. I suppose I’m glad I pushed it because the ultrasound on Friday revealed that it was an ectopic pregnancy. I’m glad I was in the bathroom at work for that phone call. And I’m glad I didn’t have to drive to the ER – just walk across the parking lot. (The Hus works at the hospital and we actually share a parking lot.) So he met me at the ER. After 6 hours in the ER and seeing multiple doctors, they decided I wouldn’t need surgery because my tubes hadn’t burst. They were able to give me shots of a chemical that stop the pregnancy. I was about 7 weeks along. As soon as they were done with the 2 shots, I pretty much lost it again. It was done. I went from being pregnant to not. Needless to say, the weekend has been spent lying on the couch with my mom and The Hus waiting on me hand and foot. Holding me through the various sobbing spells. And picking me up off the bathroom floor this morning after I passed out. (And bit both sides of my tongue REALLY good.) At this point, I’m not having a TON of physical pain. I think the emotional pain is worse.
Many people don’t know that I’ve been waiting 13 years to get pregnant. I was told 13 years ago that I couldn’t get pregnant. Five years ago, I had a miscarriage, but it was very early on – I didn’t even know I was pregnant until I was miscarrying. When that happened, I was just hopeful that I could get pregnant on my own and without IVF like the doctors had originally said. This time around, it’s been a lot more heart-wrenching. It was more real this time. I was farther along. I was feeling the symptoms of nausea and fatigue and taste buds that made everything taste like cardboard and crazy dreams about leaving my baby in a stroller in the middle of Schrock and Westerville Rd. I was finally able to imagine myself with ‘baby bellies’ as Phil calls it.
I had told my mom about a week and a half ago and the next day she revealed something to me. We had originally been thinking that I might be about 8-9 weeks along, and she informed me of what happened 10 weeks ago. She and I were at a women’s conference at church. At the end, they had 2 alter calls – one for women to come forward who had infertility problems, and one for women to come forward to get prayed over so that they had the power to lay hands on people and heal them. I didn’t realize this- and I don’t really remember – but when we got back to our seats, she had laid hands on me and prayed that I would get pregnant. When she told me that, I just knew that everything was ordained by God and was going to be ok.
I don’t know why this happened. I’ll probably never know. Over the last 13 years I’ve went from wanting 4 boys, to being okay with just having 2 kids, to just wanting at least ONE! Not everyone knows the pain of seeing yet another person announce they are pregnant. Again. Or how much I would just love to be able to complain about how tired I am from running around with the kids all day. Or how chaotic our life is because of packing lunches and running to doctor’s appointments and going to gymnastics classes and piano lessons.
I don’t know. I know that we live in a fallen world. I know that God is still in control. I know that He still knows my heart’s desires. And I know that 2 of my babies are spending eternity with my Papa. And he’s probably already introduced them to the wonderful world of donuts. I know this isn’t what God wanted for me, but I know that He will use it. Somehow. It’s hard to think positive like that right now, but in my heart I know it’s true.
I know so many other women who have gone through the same devastation trying to have kids, and to all of you, I feel your pain. I can – and am – crying with you. So is Jesus. There are absolutely no words to ease the pain, but we can be assured that our babies are being taken care of by The. Greatest. Parent. that ever walked the earth.
Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit.”
“Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.”
“When calamity comes, the wicked are brought down, but even in death the righteous have a refuge.”