Yes, this post is going to be TMI. I’m just warning you up front. Don’t be afraid, it’s not going to be that bad. But hey, we all do it and going to the “bathroom” is a normal thing. I mean, for the most part…And if your also a runner, you know how serious this topic can be. You have to think about this subject and plan for it. Before you start running.
Anyways, the other day I don’t know what made me think of it, but I remembered this “poopie list” that a friend shared with us in high school. I literally started cracking up thinking about it and announced to The Hus and The Mom that I was gonna do a post about poop. I think they thought I was crazy. I couldn’t find the actual copy of the “poopie list”, so of course I did what any human does these days – Google it! So here it is. You may want to grab a tissue because you will probably laugh so hard you cry like I did. In the middle of movie night. Philco actually starting yelling at me to shut up or get out.
The Different Types Of Poop
Ghost Poop ~~ You know you’ve pooped. There’s poop on the toilet paper, but no poop in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Poop ~~ Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don’t feel it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it!
Gooey Poop ~~ This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your butt 12 times and it still doesn’t come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don’t stain it. This poop leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Poop ~~ You’re all done wiping your butt and you’re about to stand up when you realize it…you’ve got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poop ~~ This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn’t come until you’re all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Poop ~~ You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.
Right Now Poop ~~ You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
King Kong or Commode Choker Poop ~~ This poop is so big that you know it won’t go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of poop usually happens at someone else’s house.
Wet Cheeks Poop ~~ This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your butt wet.
Wish Poop ~~ You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!
Cement Block or Oh God Poop ~~ You wish you’d gotten a spinal block before you poop.
Snake Poop ~~ This poop is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) ~~ Even after the third flush, it’s still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else’s house.
Mexican Food Poop (also called Screamers) ~ You’ll know it’s alright to eat again when your butthole stops burning.
Beer Drunk Poop ~~ This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poop doesn’t smell too bad, but this poop is BAD. Usually there’s somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of poop also usually happens at someone else’s house.
The Frightened Turtle ~~ The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.
The Bungee Poop ~~ The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire Poop ~~ The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and your butthole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
The Crippler ~~ The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Big Bobber ~~ The kind of poop that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ~~ The kind of poop that hits you when you’re trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk Poop ~~ The king of poop that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it’s normal size.
Jack the Ripper Poop ~~ The kind of poop that yanks out your butthair as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper ~~ The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
The Toxic Gas Poop ~~ The kind of poop that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.
Dirty Bowl Poop ~~ The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche – but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
The Windy City Poop ~~ When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a poop.
Oh Poop! Poop ~~ You poop so much and wipe your butt so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH ****!
The Never Ending Poop ~~ It’s the poop that keeps running out of your butt like pee, and just when you start wiping your butt your stomach gargles and splash, more poop runs out. This always happens after eating at K.F.C.
While we’re on this subject, you should know about this too. Now, I’ll just admit to the world right now that I really don’t have any issues going to the “bathroom”. However, after my surgery in September, I did. First, I didn’t realize that surgery alone will cause constipation. And secondly, I didn’t realize that Vicodin will cause constipation. Let’s just say that when Phil told me these two VERY important pieces of info, I decided I will never again in my life take Vicodin and the next time I have to have surgery, I will start drinking some Miralax before surgery! It was literally the worst pain in my life. I thought I was going to die. Seriously. It was worse than my tube bursting and ending up in surgery.
K. Now that that is all out in the open, literally minutes after my near-death experience via constipation, I ordered 3 of these little numbers – one for my house, one for my mom, and one for my sister. I decided right then and there that we all needed to be healthy in the bathroom. I knew that squatting was better for you than sitting on a toilet, and was very aware of how it worked thanks to traveling to 3rd world countries years ago, so when I saw this link for actual squatty potties a few months ago on FB, I went straight to the site and placed my order. So if you know what it’s like to practically die from constipation, you can place your order today. Your welcome. 🙂