1 year after a loss.

Sooooo ya, this is going to be a post on the serious side because well, this is my reality today. 🙂

While everyone is remembering 9/11/2001, I can’t stop remembering 9/11/2013. Maybe that’s just wrong of me…selfish?…non-patriotic?…whatever you wanna call it. But my “9/11” pain was last year. 1 year ago. I shared my story with you last year. Here, here, and here, and now I’m sharing the roller coaster I’ve been on since last year.

In case you missed those posts from 2013, I had emergency surgery last year, 9/11/13, for a ruptured Fallopian tube. I had just found out on 9/6 that I was 7 weeks pregnant, but it was a tubal pregnancy. This news came after trying and waiting to get pregnant for the last 14 years. I had originally been told I would never get pregnant on my own unless I did invitro. That was around the age of 21/22. At 29 years old, I had a miscarriage. Didn’t even know I was pregnant until I had the miscarriage. Devastating? Yes and no. The biggest thing I took from that situation was that the doctors were wrong. I COULD get pregnant. On. My. Own. 🙂 Hope was restored!

Fast forward 5 years later, when I had kinda given up on ever getting pregnant again, and kinda decided I didn’t even want kids at this point, and boom! Pregnant again. Why I didn’t see the signs of the pregnancy when I was nauseous at an amusement park is beyond me…I chalked it up to getting old. Haha. Anyway, you can read more about that whole ectopic pregnancy/surgery experience in the links above.

A year after this completely unexplainable situation, I am here to tell you that I’m still alive. For the moment, I’m good. But I still ride the emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I’m OK for a few weeks, sometimes I’m a complete basket-case for months.

Sometimes I have not even been able to type the word “congratulations”, to someone’s pregnancy/birth announcement, let alone say it.

Sometimes, when I was completely exhausted, I was actually thankful that I didn’t have kids, because then I would not be able to take daily naps without any distractions.

Sometimes I would have a cry fest. While I’m running….That’s fun. 😉

Sometimes I was thankful that I didn’t have to push a BOB stroller filled with a child because then my runs could get ugly if the kid was hungry or needed a diaper changed or wouldn’t fall asleep to the soothing sounds of pounding feet on the pavement and the wind in their face. (Yes, that huge, long, run-on sentence would have probably landed me a big, red ‘F’ in English class.)

Sometimes I had to have a friend – thanks Rach 😉 – represent me at a baby shower because I couldn’t handle going.

Sometimes I was able to make it to the baby showers and actually not cry at ALL during the whole thing. Or even afterwards! That was a HUGE success! 🙂

Then there was that one run, where I prayed that God would show me a deer every time I ran, as His promise to me that He would give me babies one day. That run ended with no deer being spotted. (AFTER, I typically see deer during my runs.) He told me He wouldn’t do that because He didn’t want me to know my future. That would lead to me not having or needing any hope or faith in Him for the unknown future. And He keeps telling me, on my runs, that He knows me. He knows my desires. And I need patience. P-A-T-I-E-N-C-E. (Can I admit that I freaking hate that word!? It’s been God’s life lesson for me. No joke.)

Anyway, those were NOT the best words I’ve ever heard, but it is what it is. I keep “feeling” the number 40. So I’m going to enjoy the next 5 years, kid-less. If it happens before then, great! If not, I will survive and we’ll adopt at 40 when the timing will be MUCH better for us to adopt/foster. (Or unless someone leaves babies on my doorstep. 😉 That’s happened before you know! That sort of thing just happened to a sister of one of my friends!) I will still have my roller coaster, emotional days, but I’m standing on faith for my unknown future. 🙂

It’s completely ridiculous that the whole time I was getting ready this morning – rushing around because my alarm never went off and I got up late! – I kept waiting for my other tube to just randomly burst and I would have to endure that pain all over again. Ridiculous, I know. Especially when I was in the shower. I kept thinking, “I need to hurry up and wash this shampoo outta my hair, because if my right tube bursts, I remember the pain, and I don’t want to have to go into the hospital with shampoo still in my hair and I haven’t brushed my teeth yet! I’d like to at least look presentable! I mean, The Hus works at the hospital for gosh sakes!” True story.

When it comes down to it, I’d say for the last month or 2, I’ve been really good. The best I’ve been all year. I’m not sure why, or what the pivotal moment was, but I just gradually realized that I’m kinda actually really enjoying my kid-less, irresponsible (to a point…), selfish, sleep-whenever-I-want-to, life. Or maybe I just avoid allowing myself to really think about, and get depressed, over NOT having kids…either way, it’s working for me because I don’t want to go back to that place I was a year ago. Do I still cringe at every announcement? Ya, kinda. Do I still feel a tinge of jealousy at the newborn pictures? Yup. Do I still get angry at people becoming parents that shouldn’t be having kids? Or parents that already have kids, but shouldn’t? And shouldn’t keep having them? YESSSSSS! But I remind myself that if I’m being 100% honest with myself, we’re not really ready. Nope, not even at 35. I know that you should never wait until you can afford kids to have them, because you will never be able to afford them, but for our “ current situation”, 40 will be the age where we can afford to not only adopt, but we will be able to raise them the way we really want to – me staying at home to raise them, but still being able to go on vacations, save for their college educations, save period, send them to a private school, etc…those are things that are really important to us, so it’s just worth it to wait another 5 years. (Again! UNLESS someone leaves a baby on our doorstep! THEN it would be, “we’re MAKING this work NOW!” mode. 😉 )

So. For now, we’re good. I’m good. Our life is good and we’re enjoying it – and each other. And even though we – I – want some things NOW, timing really is everything, and we really DO still have time. At this point, I’m just trying to find positives about the whole situation, and focus on those. 🙂

So if you, or someone you know, is dealing with the same fertility/baby/miscarriage issues, know that you WILL survive. You CAN be content. You may have to do some erasing in your plans, but that’s ok! All of our paths are completely different and just because everyone around you is having babies at 20, doesn’t mean that your time is to have them at 20 too. And know that you don’t have to hide your pain. Your not alone. Trust me. When this first happened to me, and I shared it with some people, I kept finding out about other people going through the same thing. And you know what? Those people feel your pain and can cry and sympathize with you. Don’t try to handle the pain alone. One of the best things for me over the past year, has been meeting up with one of my friends, for a wine night, and talking and crying about our similar situations together. It helps because you realize you are not alone, you aren’t always unleashing on your spouse (because men typically “get over” this kind of situation a lot faster…), and we are there to support and pray for each other. And if you don’t have anyone to talk to, you can email me and I will listen. 😉

Ok. Enough serious, mushy, sad?? Ya, I think so too. I’ll be back tomorrow with some running/workout stories. 🙂

Now I’m gonna go swaddle my FURkid. 🙂

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